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Navigating Relationships with a Trauma History: How to Heal, Set Boundaries, and Trust Again

Navigating relationships with a trauma history can be challenging. Sometimes, behaviors that feel “charming” may actually be red flags. Other times, we might feel bored or disconnected, not because the person is unsafe, but because we are familiar to chaos and instability. Breaking these old patterns takes practice. Learning to slow down, listen to your body, and communicate your needs is an important step in creating healthy, safe relationships.

Let’s consider a fictional client named Emily. As a survivor of childhood abuse with a history of failed romantic relationships, Emily wants to approach dating in a way that aligns with her goals. She wants a relationship that is healthy and safe.

Emily agreed to meet a mutual friend, Tom, for coffee. She was anxious and nervous, but also excited. The conversation flowed, and Tom asked if she would like to meet for dinner that weekend. Emily felt her chest tighten. Her instinct to people-please and say yes immediately surfaced, but this time she paused. She checked in with her body and asked herself, Does this feel safe for me?

Instead of ignoring her own needs, Emily responded, “I would love to see you again, but I would prefer a walk in the park first.” When Tom smiled and agreed, she noticed her body relax. In that moment, Emily set her first boundary and felt the empowerment that comes from listening to her own instincts and clearly communicating them.

Through this somewhat simple act, Emily realized that navigating relationships after trauma is not about rushing or hiding fear. It is about honoring feelings, communicating clearly, and recognizing that healthy connections are built on mutual respect. Every step she takes in setting boundaries is also a step toward trusting both others and herself.

After Emily’s coffee date, she reflected on what had just happened. Something as simple as pausing before saying yes and listening to her body had given her a new sense of clarity and control. For many survivors, this moment of awareness can feel both empowering and surprising. It also highlights an important first step in navigating relationships after trauma: recognizing how past experiences may influence how we relate to others.

Recognizing Trauma Patterns in Relationships

First and foremost, it’s important to recognize that any maladaptive or “unhealthy” patterns we’ve developed over the years were created with one purpose: TO KEEP US SAFE. These strategies were attempts to protect our vulnerabilities from being seen and to shield ourselves from hurt, rejection, or pain. Survivors did what they needed to do in order to survive their surroundings, both figuratively and sometimes literally.

I bring this to your attention to highlight the importance of self-compassion. Our younger selves learned habits that helped us keep going. Now, as adults working to heal, we can see how these patterns no longer serve us. We have the opportunity to equip our nervous system with healthier tools that support our growth and future wellbeing.

Now that we understand these patterns aren’t our fault and were our nervous system’s way of protecting us, we can begin to bring awareness to them. Common patterns survivors may notice include:

  • Seeking approval or validation excessively
    Survivors’ self-worth was often undermined in the past, which can lead to seeking approval or validation from others. They may rely on others to feel “enough,” making it hard to trust their own instincts.
  • Feeling anxious or hypervigilant around conflict
    Growing up, any disagreement might have led to extreme reactions like name-calling, objects being thrown, slammed doors, screaming, yelling, you name it so it’s natural to feel hesitant toward conflict as an adult. When handled with mutual respect, honest communication, and reflection, conflict can actually strengthen relationships and build trust.
  • Avoiding closeness out of fear of being hurt
    Closeness, intimacy, emotionality = unsafe, painful. Experiences of abandonment or distorted ideas of love make trusting others difficult. Avoiding closeness becomes a protective strategy, even in healthy relationships.
  • Attracting or being attracted to partners who are controlling or unavailable
    Controlling environments during childhood or unavailable caregivers can lead survivors to seek out familiar partners who resemble similar characteristics. Unconsciously, they may seek what they know, even if it is unhealthy, reinforcing the belief that love involves fear, inconsistency, or the need to earn approval.

Slowing Down, Listening to Your Body, and Setting Boundaries

Recognizing patterns is only the first step. The next step is learning how to respond in ways that support your healing and create healthier relationships. For many survivors, this means slowing down, tuning into your body, and clearly communicating your needs.

Slowing down allows you to notice how you feel in the moment. Does your chest tighten, your stomach knot, or your heart race? These sensations are your nervous system signaling that something may feel unsafe or uncomfortable. In trauma work, this is often described as staying within your window of tolerance, the optimal zone where you can experience emotions without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down. Checking in with your body before responding to a situation, whether it is a date, a conversation, or a disagreement, can help you act from awareness rather than habit and keep you within your window of tolerance.

Listening to your body goes hand in hand with setting boundaries. Boundaries are ways of honoring your needs and protecting your emotional space. They are not meant to keep people out or put up walls, but rather to help the relationship move along more effectively and sustainably. When boundaries are clear, everyone can feel safe and have their needs met. Healthy boundaries are a two-way street: they allow you to care for yourself while also fostering trust, respect, and connection with others. They might look like asking for more time before committing to plans, expressing when a topic or behavior feels uncomfortable, or limiting contact with people who feel unsafe. Every time you honor a boundary, you strengthen your sense of safety, stay within your window of tolerance, trust yourself more, and teach others how to treat you.

Building these skills takes practice. It may feel uncomfortable at first, especially if old patterns push you toward people-pleasing or avoidance. But each moment of awareness is a step toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Over time, your nervous system learns that safety, respect, and connection are possible, and that you can enjoy intimacy without fear.

Practicing Self-Validation

For many survivors, trauma can leave a lingering sense of doubt or self-criticism. You might question your feelings, second-guess your choices, or feel guilty for prioritizing your needs. Practicing self-validation means reminding yourself that your thoughts, emotions, and needs are legitimate. It involves acknowledging your experiences without judgment and offering yourself the compassion you may not have received in the past.

Simple ways to practice self-validation include journaling your feelings, speaking kindly to yourself, or sharing your experiences with a trusted friend or therapist. Over time, these habits strengthen your inner voice, making it easier to trust your instincts, honor your boundaries, and engage in relationships from a place of self-respect rather than fear or obligation.

If journaling or talking with a friend doesn’t feel like your thing, here are some playful, creative strategies suggested by actual trauma survivor clients:

  • Talk to yourself in third person: “Emily, it’s okay to feel nervous about this date. You’re doing your best and listening to your body.” Addressing yourself as you would a friend can feel surprisingly empowering.
  • Celebrate small wins: Even showing up for a coffee date, pushing through discomfort, or setting a boundary deserves recognition. Give yourself a little acknowledgment—it matters.
  • Affirmations on sticky notes: Place them in the fridge, on your nightstand, or in your car. These fun reminders throughout the day reinforce that you are worthy and valued.
  • Record voice memo moments you are proud of: Say something kind or note a moment of courage. Even if you delete it afterward, the act of acknowledging yourself strengthens self-validation.

Practicing self-validation doesn’t have to be serious or complicated. Adding playful, creative ways to honor yourself makes it easier to turn self-compassion into a daily habit.

Seeking Support

Healing from trauma is not something you have to do alone. Surrounding yourself with supportive people like friends, family, or communities who understand trauma can provide encouragement, perspective, and validation. Trauma-informed therapy or support groups can be particularly helpful, offering guidance on navigating triggers, building self-awareness, and learning relational skills in a safe environment.

Support doesn’t just help you feel understood; it also models healthy relational patterns and reinforces that it is possible to have connections where safety, respect, and care are mutual. Seeking support is an act of strength and self-compassion, reinforcing that you are worthy of relationships that nurture and honor you.

Bringing It All Together: Emily’s Journey

Looking back on her coffee date, Emily realized that each step she took such as pausing before responding, listening to her body, and setting a boundary was more than just a small act. It was a practice in self-validation and loving herself, a way to stay within her window of tolerance, and a demonstration of how boundaries can strengthen rather than limit a relationship. By honoring her needs and communicating clearly, she created a space where both she and Tom could feel safe and respected.

Emily’s experience illustrates a larger truth for all survivors: navigating relationships after trauma is a process, not a race. It involves recognizing old patterns, checking in with your body, setting boundaries, validating your experiences, and seeking support when needed. Every moment you honor yourself, every boundary you communicate, and every safe connection you foster helps rebuild trust both in others and in yourself.

Healing in relationships is possible. With patience, awareness, and practice, survivors can cultivate connections that are safe, nurturing, and fulfilling. Survivors can have relationships that reflect the respect, care, and love we all deserve.

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The Reality of Motherhood & Mental Health

Hey, mama. I see you.

Doing all the things, all the time, for all the people. Packing lunches, planning parties, making doctor appointments, sorting through school papers. Being an employee, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a good spouse—but the biggest title of all: mother.

You are the joy-maker, the soft landing, the warm hug, the disciplinarian, and the planner.

Society shows motherhood as this perfect, magical experience—but the truth is, it can be messy, tiring, and emotionally overwhelming. It’s a lot—balancing multiple hats and navigating so many emotions, some of which aren’t even your own (cue the tiny humans with the big feelings).

What can make all of this even harder is feeling like we’re alone in the struggle, because quite frankly, the difficulties of motherhood aren’t talked about frequently. There’s this fear of judgment—that if we admit to the challenges or say how hard it can be, we’re ungrateful or a “bad mom.”

And honestly, I’m here—as a licensed clinical social worker and a mom of three—to say that talking about the struggles actually makes you a better mom. Taking breaks away from your kids, carving out time for yourself, and learning more about common mental health challenges and strategies for coping makes you a better mama. It allows you to show up as a stronger, healthier, and more present parent for your children. You wouldn’t be reading this if you weren’t striving for exactly that: to be your best self.

Postpartum depression, anxiety, rage

One of the most common, but often unspoken, mental health challenges moms face is postpartum anxiety, depression, and even rage. These feelings can show up in many ways, such as intrusive thoughts, uncontrollable worry, sadness that doesn’t go away, irritability, or sudden bursts of anger. Part of what makes this so intense is the biological factor. After giving birth, your hormone levels, especially estrogen and progesterone, drop dramatically, sometimes within just a few days. This hormonal shift can directly affect your mood, energy, and emotional regulation, making feelings of sadness, anxiety, or irritability more likely. In fact, research shows about 1 in 7 women experience postpartum depression, yet nearly half of these mothers go undiagnosed, due to stigma or fear of judgment. Experiencing these emotions does not define your worth as a parent or mean you don’t love your child—it just means your body and brain are adjusting to HUGE changes. Plus, let’s be honest here- being up multiple nights in a row with a screaming baby when you have to be functional the next day… Yeah, I think irritability is valid.

Burnout

Another common challenge many moms face is burnout. Between caring for children, managing a household, working, and maintaining relationships, it’s easy to feel emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. Burnout can show up as constant fatigue, irritability, feeling “checked out,” or a sense that nothing you do is enough. Some days, you might even feel touched out, like you just can’t take one more tiny hug or smooch. When all you want is a moment of peace… or just to eat a snack without having to lie that it’s “spicy” so you don’t have to share with your little ones.
These thoughts are often accompanied by guilt, because society tells us that a good mom should always have patience, energy, and be in a good mood 24/7. However, that’s just not the reality. Parenting is exhausting and feeling this way does not make you a bad mother. Let me say it again for the people in the back, THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD MOM. You are totally allowed to crave a hot cup of coffee that has not been microwaved 5 times already. This is not too much to ask for.

Guilt & Self-Criticism

Who here has ever caught themselves thinking, “I should be doing more,” or “Am I enough for them?” Even when you’re giving your best, guilt and self-criticism can sneak in. Maybe you feel guilty for wanting a break, for not getting every chore done, or for losing patience with your kiddos. Or maybe it’s something small—like letting your kids eat cereal for dinner…again—and suddenly you feel like the worst parent on the planet. Not all of us have a “village” to rely on, so sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is squarely on your shoulders and you’re expected to figure it all out. Society and social media often make it seem like a “good mom” is perfect in every way and has it all together, but the reality is, no one can do it all perfectly (What even is perfect?!). In fact, you’re probably doing far more than you give yourself credit for. A little self-compassion goes a long way: noticing these thoughts, giving yourself permission to be human, and reminding yourself that striving for perfection is not the goal. And honestly, if your kids are fed, clothed, safe, and loved, then you’re doing a pretty damn good job.

Identity Struggles

Remember that person you were before kids? Yeah… me neither. Motherhood can feel like stepping into a new, all-consuming role, and suddenly your sense of self takes a backseat. You may find yourself wondering, “Who am I outside of being a mom?” or mourning the hobbies, friendships, or career goals that once defined you. Maybe you miss long showers without phantom cries, sleeping in on the weekends, or spontaneous nights out with friends. Feeling a little lost, or like your old life belongs to someone else, is completely normal. The good news? This isn’t forever. As your kids grow, you can reclaim parts of your previous life, or even discover entirely new aspects of yourself and your identity. Even small moments of self-care and personal time remind you that your identity as a person is just as important as your identity as a mom. You’ll be back to going out again one day… even if ‘going out’ just means Target alone with a fancy coffee and no diaper bag.

These are just a few mental health challenges to consider. I’m confident that if you spent five minutes in a room full of mothers and asked them to name other mental health struggles, the list would be longer than the CVS receipt.

The point is: these feelings are incredibly common and completely normal. Experiencing any of them does not make you any less of a mom.

While these challenges are common, for some moms, a history of childhood trauma can make certain experiences even more intense. Here’s how trauma can show up in motherhood:

  • How we respond to stress or parenting pressures
  • Difficulty regulating emotions and managing anxiety
  • Struggling to feel confident in parenting strategies
  • Barriers to feeling emotionally connected to our children

If this resonates with you, it’s important to know that having a trauma history doesn’t mean you will repeat patterns. Through self-awareness, learning new skills, and seeking support, you can break the cycle and parent in ways that are loving, mindful, and healing. It might even be healing for yourself to parent in a way that you never received but may have needed as a kid when you were younger. This is a chance to be the parent you wish you had and to provide a healthy family environment you always wanted.

Thankfully, support is available, and therapy can be a total lifesaver for moms navigating these ups and downs. It’s a safe, judgment-free space where you can actually say the things you’ve been thinking in your head, like how if you hear “Mommy, can I have a snack?” one more time, you might just literally scream. A therapist can help you process past trauma, identify patterns, and teach tools to manage stress and regulate your emotions so those overwhelming feelings don’t take over. Therapy also helps you trust yourself as a parent, check in with your evolving identity, and show up authentically for your kids—without judgment, without perfection, and without the pressure to “fix” anything—because the truth is, you are already exactly who your babies need you to be.

Motherhood is messy, exhausting, joyful, and sometimes downright HARD—and that’s okay. Feeling guilty, burned out, anxious, or unsure of yourself doesn’t make you a bad mom—it makes you human. Every challenge is an opportunity to learn about yourself, grow in your parenting, and show up just doing your best. Whether it’s through therapy, leaning on supportive friends, or carving out small moments for yourself, prioritizing your mental health shouldn’t be a choice- it’s absolutely necessary.

And if there’s one thing to take away from this article: you are crushing it. You show up for your family, do all the things for all the people all the time, and somehow survive (mostly) intact. The house may be a disaster, the kids may have eaten chicken nuggets AGAIN for dinner, but they are happy, safe, and loved. Celebrate even the smallest wins—surviving snack requests, getting everyone out the door, or keeping your cool when your kid had their umpteenth meltdown of the day.

Your kids already think you’re amazing—and honestly, so should you.

Let’s start therapy

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After the Annunciation Shooting: How to Talk to Kids About Tragedy

School shootings, the war in Ukraine, suicide, death, and other tragedies have sadly become all too common in today’s world. Many parents and teachers are left wondering: How do we talk with children about these events without frightening them further or adding to their distress?

Children respond to trauma in many different ways. Some may have strong emotional reactions right away, while others may begin showing signs of struggle weeks or even months later. Knowing what to look for—and how to respond—can help caregivers support children through these difficult times.

Feeling unsure of what to say, or worrying about saying the “wrong” thing, is completely normal. Parents and teachers are coping with their own emotions, while also trying to support the children in their care. Research shows that supportive, age-appropriate conversations can make a meaningful difference in a child’s healing and sense of safety. As a licensed social worker with experience working with children who have faced trauma, here are some key strategies:

1. Create Safe, Open Spaces

Children need to know it’s okay to bring up scary or confusing topics. You don’t have to call a formal sit down for a “big talk”—often the best conversations happen during everyday moments like car rides, coloring, or helping in the kitchen. What matters most is showing calm openness, letting kids know no question is off-limits, and reassuring them that they won’t be judged or dismissed for what they’re feeling or asking.

2. Keep it Age-Appropriate & Honest

The way we explain events should match a child’s developmental level. Younger children need short, simple, and concrete explanations that reassure them about their safety. School-aged kids can understand a bit more but still need reassurance and clarity. Teens may want direct, honest conversations where they can ask questions and share their views. In every case, it’s best to answer questions truthfully without adding unnecessary or graphic details, and to gently correct any misinformation they may have picked up. You can start by asking what they’ve heard or understand about the event first- this helps you address any misinformation and meet them where they’re at.  

3. Validate and Normalize Feelings

Children may react in many different ways: fear, sadness, anger, or sometimes no visible reaction at all. All of these responses are normal. By naming and validating feelings, you show children their emotions make sense and are safe to express. A simple response like, “It’s okay to feel scared after hearing about something like this,” communicates acceptance and connection. This helps kids feel less alone and more supported as they process what happened. Even saying something simple like, “I’m here when you’re ready to talk,” can go a long way in building trust.

4. Model Calm & Stability

Kids are emotional sponges and can take on the emotions of the adults in the room. If they see a caregiver or teacher overwhelmed, they may feel more anxious themselves. It’s important to take care of your own emotional state first—pause, breathe, or talk with another adult—so you can feel more calm while engaging. Keeping up with daily routines can also provide comfort and predictability, letting children know that even in uncertain times, some things remain safe and consistent.

5. Encourage Healthy Coping & Seek Extra Support if Needed

Children often express their feelings best through play, art, or movement rather than words. Encourage them to draw, play outside, journal, or simply spend time with friends and loved ones. Remind them they can always turn to safe adults—parents, teachers, counselors—when they feel overwhelmed. At the same time, keep an eye out for lingering signs of distress such as nightmares, withdrawal, regression, or ongoing anxiety. If those signs persist, seeking support from a mental health professional can make a meaningful difference in helping them heal.

While we can’t shield children from every painful event, we can help them feel safe, supported, and understood. Showing up, listening, and validating their emotions—without needing to have all the answers—can make a lasting impact on a child’s sense of security and resilience.

Talking with Kids After a Traumatic Event: Quick Reference Guide

Simple things to say by age group

Preschool (3–5 years)

“Something sad happened. Some people were hurt, but you are safe.”
“It’s okay to feel scared, sad, or confused.”
“You can always talk to me about how you feel.”
“Would you like to draw or play while we talk?”

School-Age (6–12 years)

“It’s okay to ask questions if something feels confusing or scary.”
“Feeling scared, sad, or angry is normal.”
“I’m here to listen if you want to talk or just be together quietly.”
“Let’s focus on the facts so we don’t get confused by rumors.”

Teens (13–18 years)

“It’s okay to feel many different emotions about what happened.”
“You can ask questions, or we can just talk about how it’s affecting you.”
“You don’t have to deal with these feelings alone.”
“What helps you feel safe or calm? Let’s think about coping strategies together.”

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Learn More: Survivors Empowerment Support Group FAQs

Joining a support group can feel intimidating, and that’s completely understandable. Because of this, I wanted to share more about the four-week psychoeducational support group I’m hosting for adult women survivors of childhood sexual abuse starting on March 17th, 2025.

To help ease any concerns, I’ve put together some of the most common questions I receive about the group. Hopefully, this gives you a better idea of what to expect and helps you feel more comfortable about taking the next step!

What is this group all about?

This group offers a supportive space for adult women survivors of childhood sexual abuse to learn, connect, and heal. Over the course of four weeks, we’ll explore:

  • Common reactions to trauma
  • How past experiences show up in adulthood
  • Coping strategies to manage symptoms

Each session is a mixture between short presentations, maybe 10-15 minutes about trauma responses, coping skills, & other relevant topics, followed by open discussion. This is where you can share your thoughts, ask questions, or just listen- whatever level of participation that feels right for you! Again, there is no expectation or pressure for you to share any part of your history. The focus is on learning, gaining support, and feeling empowered in your healing journey.

“I’m nervous about joining!” and “What if I feel overwhelmed or need extra support?”

Feeling nervous is completely normal, and you’re not alone in that! This group is designed to support you at your own pace. If at any point you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a step back. You can turn your camera off or step away for a few minutes. There’s no pressure to participate beyond what feels comfortable for you.

If you need extra support, I’m always available to help—whether that’s during a session or in a one-on-one conversation outside of the group. The most important thing is that you feel safe, comfortable, and supported during this time.

What have past participants said about the group?

Many past participants have expressed relief in finally connecting with others who truly understand. One person even described it as “finding others on a deserted island”—it felt so comforting to know she wasn’t alone anymore.

Participants have shared that they love the welcoming and no-pressure environment, the empowering discussions, and the practical coping tools they’ve gained. Overall, it’s a space where people feel heard, supported, and less isolated.

Can this group continue beyond the four weeks?

Yes! If there’s enough interest and commitment from participants, there’s a possibility of continuing the group on a biweekly or monthly basis for ongoing support and connection.

Is this group confidential?

Yes! Confidentiality is a top priority. What is shared in the group stays in the group, and everyone is expected to respect each other’s privacy.

How many people will be in the group?

To maintain a safe and intimate environment, the group will be kept small—typically between 6 to 10 participants.

Who is leading the group?

I’m Janel Wetzel, a trauma therapist specializing in working with adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I have over 10 years of experience working with survivors in various settings. I’m a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, trained in EMDR therapy, and deeply passionate about Internal Family Systems therapy. When I’m not working with clients, I’m chasing around my two children, spending time with my husband, and enjoying big family dinners with friends and loved ones.

Interested in joining?

These are just a few of the questions I often hear, but if you have any others, please don’t hesitate to reach out!

If you’re interested in signing up, email me at Janel@LovingCircleCounseling.com.

This group was created for the community—because when 38% of adult women have experienced childhood sexual abuse, groups like these are truly needed.

You are worth it.

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Unlocking Wellness: The Power of Journaling for Mental Health

Benefits of Journaling

Journaling offers many mental health benefits. Whether you prefer typing it out on the computer, the notes app on your phone, or pen and paper, journaling provides an outlet for emotional expression. This form of communication can be a great tool for processing complex emotions, reducing the intensity, and providing an overall sense of relief.

Additionally, journaling serves as a form of stress reduction by enabling individuals to unload worries, fears, and concerns onto paper. Externalizing thoughts can lead to a clearer and more organized mind, ultimately reducing stress and anxiety. Using journaling as a creative outlet can be stress-relieving for some. Self-expression allows individuals to explore their creativity through writing, drawing, or collage. This creative expression promotes relaxation, enjoyment, and a sense of fulfillment.

Journaling facilitates problem-solving by helping individuals identify and process challenges in their lives. By exploring potential solutions, they can gain clarity and perspective, making it easier to develop effective strategies for addressing issues. Organizing worries on paper can provide mental space for more positivity and optimism to see the stressors in a different light.

As a mental health clinician, I recommend journaling to encourage self-reflection. By examining thoughts, behaviors, and patterns over time, individuals can gain valuable insights into their emotions, values, and goals, fostering personal growth and development. Through self-reflection, journaling can promote self-compassion and self-acceptance by validating one’s own feelings and experiences.

Overall, journaling is a powerful tool for enhancing mental health and well-being, offering opportunities for emotional expression, stress reduction, self-reflection, problem-solving, gratitude, validation, and creative expression.

Reflection Questions: SELF-LOVE

  1. What does self-love mean to you personally?
  2. What are some common challenges to practicing self-love? How do you overcome these obstacles?
  3. How has your relationship with yourself evolved over time?
  4. How does self-love impact your relationship with others?
  5. What are some misconceptions about self-love?
  6. Can you share any tips for others who may be struggling with self-love?


Journaling is a versatile and powerful tool for nurturing mental health and well-being. Whether you prefer to jot down your thoughts with pen and paper or type them out on a digital device, the act of journaling offers numerous benefits, including emotional expression, stress reduction, self-reflection, and creative exploration. As we embark on this journey of self-discovery and healing through journaling, I invite you to join me in periodic reflections on self-love and personal growth. Through these reflection questions, we can deepen our understanding of ourselves, cultivate self-compassion, and foster a greater sense of well-being. Together, let’s embrace the transformative power of journaling to unlock our inner wisdom and resilience.

Janel Wetzel
(517) 258-0330
Loving Circle Counseling
800 Hilton Rd, Ste 8
Ferndale, MI 48220
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The Therapy Breakdown: A Beginner’s Guide To Getting Started

By Janel Wetzel, LMSW CCTP
Trauma Therapist

Frequently, therapists receive questions like, “What exactly happens during therapy sessions?” and “When is the right time to seek therapy?” These are excellent questions, and I’m here to break it down a little! In this article, I’ll be providing insights into what transpires in a session, guiding you on when therapy might be beneficial, and offering tips on finding the right therapist.

What Is Therapy?

Therapy or counseling is a process where licensed professionals such as a therapist or counselor provide a safe, confidential space for individuals to gain a greater understanding of their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, as well as their past experiences, interpersonal relationships, and sense of self. Collaboratively, the therapist and client will create goals that will be the focus of their journey together. Common therapeutic treatment goals might involve processing past experiences and relationships, overcoming current challenges, learning coping skills, and promoting a greater sense of worth and well-being. Within the goals, the therapeutic team will establish an anticipated timeline which will determine the approximate timeframe.

During each session, the therapist will use a specific intervention tailored to each client. A few therapeutic approaches might be Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR), or Internal Family Systems (IFS). Each intervention focuses on different presenting issues with specific exercises and tools associated. The therapist will use their clinical experience to determine which intervention would be the best fit for the client.

When Might Therapy Be Beneficial For Someone?

Everyone struggles with obstacles at some point in their life. We all have experiences from our past that we think about periodically, or certain memories that stick with us despite efforts to minimize. Feelings of sadness and bouts of depression have most likely affected everyone at some point in their life.

However, when should someone reach out for professional help? One way to know for sure is by asking yourself if your mental health concerns are starting to negatively impact your ability to function occupationally, relationally, and emotionally. Are you noticing your work responsibilities are not being completed? Perhaps increased irritability and isolation are keeping you from friends? Is your sleep being significantly interrupted because of ruminating thoughts or excessive worry? These might be signs you are ready for a little extra support. Seeking therapy can help you regain control by exploring what’s at the root of the symptoms and then learning some ways to manage and overcome.

Some other signs one could benefit from therapy:

  • Ongoing feelings of distress, sadness, anxiety, or stress despite efforts to minimize. No matter how many walks you go on, self-care efforts, or hours spent with bucket-filling people, the distress remains.
  • Relational conflict is very common for therapeutic support. Conflict with loved ones, friends, coworkers can take up a significant amount of mental space causing worry, stress, and even trigger past trauma wounds.
  • Any form of grief: death of a loved one, anticipatory grief, collective grief, chronic grief. End of a relationship, major life change, any type of significant transition can cause emotional turmoil.
  • Low self-esteem, self-worth, and self-love can impact ability to function at one’s highest potential.
  • Struggling with personal development such as personal growth, self-identity, or exploring career advancement.
  • Unresolved trauma from the past or present.

How To Find The Right Therapist

Finding the right therapist can be difficult and time-consuming when you are unsure what to even look for! It is important to find a therapist you feel comfortable with in order to have a productive therapy experience. You are entering into a very psychologically and personally intimate relationship, so it is important you connect with a few different therapists and ask questions to feel comfortable moving forward. Reaching out for therapy is extremely brave and vulnerable so you might as well make it worth it!

Here are a few questions that may be helpful in making your selection:

  • Ask about their experience related to your symptoms or reason for coming to therapy.
  • Explore what their expertise is and what makes them credible in that area.
  • Consider what therapeutic interventions they would use based on your presenting issues.
  • Learn which insurance the therapist accepts and if they accept Out-Of-Network coverage, as well as out-of-pocket fees if your insurance does not match.

Most private practice clinicians will offer a free 15-minute phone consultation where you can ask these questions. Additional common questions I receive during this time are:

  • Do you give homework between sessions?
  • What does a typical session look like?
  • How long have you been a therapist?

If you are seeking therapy to process and explore unresolved trauma, it is highly recommended you ask trauma-related questions, such as:  

  • Are you trauma-informed?
  • What is your approach in working with complex trauma?
  • Do you have experience working with clients who have experienced physical/sexual/emotional/etc childhood trauma? (related to your specific type of trauma)

Asking these questions can help you assess if the therapist’s style, approach, and general personality align with your needs and preferences. Ask yourself, “What am I looking to get out of therapy?” and then reflect if the therapist’s answers will help guide you there. Trust your instincts!

The reality is that therapy can look so different for everyone and it’s so important to identify what feels right for you. As we breakdown the therapeutic process, it becomes clear that therapy isn’t just about “fixing” our current symptoms. It’s about our overall well-being and addressing what’s at the root of the symptom. By recognizing the signs for professional help and understanding the importance of finding the right therapist, we empower ourselves to start our healing journey and become the best versions of ourselves. Remember, the decision to seek therapy is incredibly brave. Lean into what this journey has to offer, trust the process, and embrace the opportunities for growth that lie ahead.

Email me with questions!
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How to Get Through The Holidays

Let’s be honest for a second. The holiday season isn’t always merry, cheery, and bright for everyone.

The thought of being in a room with parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins-once-removed, that aunt or uncle no one’s really sure how they are connected might feel super overwhelming; and, quite frankly, less than desirable right now. Aunt Susie asking 20 times if you want seconds, dodging political convos at all costs, avoiding the family drama- This requires mental energy and it might even cause serious anxiety and mental health triggers.

It’s okay to not see the “joy” and “magic” during the holidays. It’s okay to be right where you are. I’ve asked some clients of mine to contribute to this post. I asked them, “How are we going to maintain boundaries and manage triggers for the next 30+ days?” I’ve compiled a list of their responses and included them in this post. And, I have to admit, coming for a clinical perspective, these are spot on.

LISTEN TO YOUR BODY

Sure, it’s important to get in as much family time as possible during the holiday season, especially with those out-of-towners. However, it’s also super important to get enough rest. Holidays require days, sometimes even weeks of preparing, cooking, baking, traveling, stress, anxiety, and so much more! Be sure to balance this madness with the proper self-care by snuggling up to watch Hallmark movies, meditating, taking a bubble bath, or simply skipping the umpteenth holiday party to stay home and rest- whatever your body is telling you.

TAKE BREAKS

There is nothing wrong with taking a few minutes to yourself at the holiday party. Walking away from the family chaos into a quiet room or running to the store to get an unneeded/unnecessary extra gallon of milk to regroup and recharge is perfectly acceptable. In fact, it is high encouraged! Listen to the signals your body is giving you. Are you beginning to feel anxious? Irritable? Sad? Be mindful of what’s going on inside and escape to a peaceful place as needed.

IT’S OKAY TO SAY “NO”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but IT’S OKAY TO SAY “NO.” Saying no to that extra piece of pie Aunt Carol is pushing; saying “no” to a conversation topic; saying “no” to the holiday party if it means over-exhausting yourself; saying “no” to do what is right for you and your family. This is all okay! Setting and maintaining boundaries can be difficult with family members, especially during the holidays. Saying, “I appreciate the invite, however, I will be staying home this year” might be the key to a happy, healthy holiday for you.

ACKNOWLEDGE TRIGGERS

It’s perfectly normal for those with trauma histories to be triggered by the holidays. Seeing family members after years of silence; memories surrounding the season; and feelings that have been buried may come up. If you think this is a possibility, reach out to a therapist! Feeling in control of our emotions and learning ways to manage these triggers will come in handy when faced with these obstacles. It also doesn’t hurt to create a “mental health toolbox “- dorky and cliché, I know, but it totally works! Fill your purse, small bag, or coat pocket with the following small essentials to help ground yourself during moments of charged emotions:

  • Hard candies, preferably something sour, lemon, or peppermint
  • Peppermint gum
  • A nail file
  • A small clove of garlic… just kidding, but something smelly like hand sanitizer!

The point is to fill our “toolbox” with items that engage our senses. This brings us back into our window of tolerance, in touch with our bodies, and acknowledges the present moment. If you are interested in more ways to cope with triggers, check out my other blog post for more tips!

ASK FOR HELP

There’s no surprise the extra stress of the holidays can stir up some holiday blues. Whether you are grieving loved ones who are no longer with us, relationships you wish were different, people you wish were here, and the uncertainty of the future- you are not alone this holiday season. If you notice the impact of the holiday season is starting to overwhelm you, be sure to connect with someone you feel safe with. Ask them to go for a walk, grab a cup of coffee, or just to sit with you so you are not alone.

Remember, this is your holiday season, too. You are worthy and deserving of experiencing your holiday in the mental and physical space that you choose.

Janel Wetzel, LMSW, CTP
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Why Attend Support Groups For Childhood Trauma

Have you ever felt like your trauma has kept you from opening up to others? Fearful of being judged, pitied, or treated differently based on your past life experiences? You’ve learned that not everyone is supportive or accepting of your past so you keep your pain to yourself, hidden from the world. Because of this, you struggle with feeling real emotions, genuine connection with others, and true intimacy.

You are not alone in feeling this way, but there is hope. Imagine being surrounded by loving women who see you for who you are, not what happened to you. They support you, listen to you, and empathize with you in a way like never before because they too experienced unthinkable pain in their childhood.

Support groups can offer this space of peace and empowerment; knowledge and acceptance; validation and support. Survivors can come together to empower one another; share similar experiences; and relate to thoughts and feelings you’ve kept secret for so many years. The many benefits of support groups can be transformative, empowering, and life-altering.

Realize You’re Not Alone

You might not have to read much further after this first reason! Who else loves solidarity?! The ability to connect with others on issues that have developed as a result of our childhood trauma can be transformative in our healing process. Knowing that others have spent time wondering the same thoughts you have and feeling the same emotions you did after all these years is comforting. These are normal, common reactions to childhood trauma… and here’s proof!

Build A Community Of Strong Women

After realizing the members in the group have also experienced similar pain, you are more likely to open up and connect on a deeper level than ever before. This allows us to be seen for who we are and not for what happened to us. You are more than your trauma, and this community recognizes and accepts that.

Learn Helpful Information

Grounding techniques, coping skills, and psychoeducation are incredibly helpful tools to have on our healing journey. What better way to learn these than from people who have found their results effective firsthand. Learn from other resilient women how they manage unwanted emotions, anxiety, and PTSD triggers. Licensed facilitators are there to teach psychoeducation as it relates to your abuse as well. Knowledge is power!

Express Feelings

Wait, what are feelings? We’ve learned after all these years the importance of denying any feelings from coming to the surface. We force them to stay trapped in a small box with multiple padlocks in the back of our mental closets. Not anymore! Support groups have a way of empowering participants to access those feelings and to express them in the comfort of their peers. Remember, you are not alone. Odds are, the feelings you are expressing, your community of strong survivor women you just met can most likely relate in one way or another.

Gain hope

Support groups host participants from all stages of the healing process. Some women have started their journey years ago, while others are just beginning. This is the beauty of a support group. We can learn from our safe and extraordinary group of magical women by seeing and hearing firsthand that life can get be better. There is hope, and they are proof.

What do you have to lose? Not only can you learn from other survivors, but you have a lot to offer as well. You are a survivor. This alone deserves to be shouted from the rooftops. With this title you have joined a club you did not ask to be a part of. However, let’s take the power back and make this club something powerful, influential, and kick-ass. You have been through hell and back. It’s time for you to do something for yourself and for your personal growth.

If you are interested in joining the Survivors Empowerment Group for womxn survivors of childhood sexual abuse, please check out the Support Groups page. You will find more detailed information about the group, as well as the link to register. Once you have completed the Survivors Empowerment Group then you are eligible for the Life After Childhood Sexual Abuse support group for continued support. For further information, contact Janel Wetzel, LMSW.

Sign up for Survivors Empowerment Group
Email Janel for more info
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You Might Actually Be Able To Blame Your Parents

Ever wonder how the relationship you had with your parents as a child impacts you today as an adult? Do you think the way they treated you, talked to you, addressed your basic needs affects how you view yourself? Do you find yourself attracted to the same emotionally unavailable romantic partners despite the many heartaches in the past?

The attachment style you share with your caregiver may be to blame.

What is Attachment Theory?

According to the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, the general definition of Attachment Theory is described as the following:

“A set of concepts that explain the emergence of an emotional bond between an infant and primary caregiver; And the way in which this bond affects the child’s behavioral and emotional development into adulthood.”

…But, what does this mean? The Attachment Theory, created by John Bowlby and collaborated with Mary Ainsworth, is a concept to explain the bond between a child and his/her main caregiver. The theory is categorized into 4 different types of attachment styles: Secure, Insecure Avoidant, Ambivalent/resistant, and Disorganized. The way we connect to our caregivers throughout infancy dictates our relationship patterns throughout adulthood and is based on our internal working models, or, also known as, core beliefs.

Children use their attachment figure as a secure base for exploring the world. When they feel safe, they will venture out and explore the physical world, as well as the social world. This sense of felt safety, fostered by their caregiver, is crucial when developing a sense of self and how they identify with the world. This attachment to our caregivers also impacts our social development which formulates how we view our needs, other people’s needs, and our perception of the world. How the relationship between child and caregiver is in early childhood dictates how our future relationships will be later on in life.

Harlow’s Monkeys

This theory proves that there is so much more to a child/caregiver bond than just providing food and nutrients. Children need to feel safety, security, and comfort, in addition to having their basic needs met. There was a controversial study done in the 1960’s involving monkeys which demonstrated how essential an emotional attachment with their caregiver was to have healthy development. Researchers created two surrogate monkey mothers, one made of wire and wood that provided food, while the other was made of soft cloth that solely provided comfort. After many weeks, the researchers found that baby monkeys spent all of their time clinging to the soft cloth mother who provided the snuggles. Even when the monkey was hungry, he would quickly feed from the wood mother then return to the comfort mother immediately after. Each time the baby monkey was subjected to an emotionally distressing object, the monkey would run to the mother that provided comfort, never to the mother who provided food. This concluded that there is more to developing an emotional bond than simply providing food and nutrients, as was once thought. Although the means to obtaining this information was viewed by some as unethical, the results changed the way psychiatrists and professionals understood attachment and social behavior.

Attachment Styles

Research shows that a baby between birth and up to 5-years-old can form an attachment with just about anyone. Predominately, the child forms the most impactful attachment with the primary caregiver, such as mom or dad, however, anyone who is around the child the most. Who is answering their cries? Fulfilling their needs? Providing basic safety, security, and comfort? Based on how this caregiver responds to the child’s needs, the attachment styles are created and there are 4 main ways these are categorized: Secure Attachment; Insecure Avoidant; Ambivalent/Resistant; and Disorganized.

SECURE ATTACHMENT

John Bowlby, creator of the Attachment Theory, describes a secure attachment figure to be:
“available, responsive, and helpful.”

(Howe, 2011)

  • Child sees the caregiver as a safe base
    • feels safe to explore the world
  • Confident the caregiver can meet their needs
  • Can seek the caregiver in times of distress
  • Infants are easily soothed by the caregiver
  • Caregiver is sensitive to their signals & responds appropriately EVERY SINGLE TIME
EXAMPLE OF SECURE ATTACHMENT

Here is an example of what a secure attachment looks like. In this Youtube video, between the start of the clip until 1:08, you will observe Bambi’s secure attachment with his mother. Bambi’s loving mother responded appropriately to his needs when he fell. Because he received gentle encouragement and reassurance, he felt safe to try walking again and to explore with friends.

INSECURE AVOIDANT

  • Children investigate environment without any caregiver safe-base
  • Very independent of the attachment figure
    • Both emotionally and physically
  • Does not seek contact during distress
  • Caregiver typically is unresponsive
    • Insensitive and dismissive to child’s needs
    • Unavailable during emotional distress
    • Does not help with difficult tasks
    • Possibly experience avoidant attachment patterns during their own childhood with their caregiver
EXAMPLE OF INSECURE AVOIDANT

Here you will observe an example of what an Insecure Attachment style looks like. As you can see, the child is very uninterested in the caregiver or the stranger. The child does not show any distress when the parent leaves and does not need any comfort from anyone. The child feels comfortable and prefers independent play.

AMBIVALENT/RESISTANT

  • Children do not trust the caregiver
  • Caused by an inconsistent level of response from the caregiver
    • Caregiver responds appropriately to child’s needs only SOMETIMES
  • Wary of strangers
  • Separation anxiety when attachment figure leaves
    • However, can not be comforted or soothed by caregiver upon return
  • Children seem to be reluctant to get as close as they would like to the caregiver
EXAMPLE OF AMBIVALENT/RESISTANT

DISORGANIZED

Mary Ainsworth describes Disorganized Attachment as the following:
       “A child who exhibits behavioral disorganization or disorientation in the form of wandering, confused expressions, freezing, undirected movements, or contradictory (i.e. ‘unorganized’) patterns of interaction with a caregiver.”




(Howe, 2011)

  • Most children have history of trauma and/or abuse
  • Difficulty controlling their emotions and behaviors
  • Possibly aggressive or angry
  • Not trusting of adults & poor social skills
  • May show fear of caregiver
    • Person that should be providing comfort is actually causing fear
  • Attachment style can be caused by unresolved trauma and loss in the caregiver’s life
    • Intergenerational trauma

How Does Attachment Impact Adulthood?

Attachments that are established during our childhood impact us throughout our lifespan. This early bond dictates how we perceive ourselves, others, and the world around us. This concept is known as Internal Working Models or Core Beliefs.

Our Internal Working Models or Core Beliefs are developed based on our connection with our caregivers during the early formative years of our lives. These shape how we treat others, how we treat ourselves, and we expect to be treated. If the caregiver responds appropriately to all of the child’s needs consistently, then the child will feel secure and worthy of love. This will carry into adulthood with expectations of having similar relationships. On the other hand, if the caregiver responds inconsistently to the child’s needs, then the child may enter into adulthood questioning their worthiness of love and respect as they did not receive this regularly in childhood. They may unconsciously seek out similar intimate relationships and friendships for familiarity. They may also develop negative self-image and low self-esteem among others as a result.

Core beliefs are different for everyone. While some may struggle with responsibility and defectiveness, others may find themselves connecting more with needing to be in power or control. It’s important to work with a therapist to discover what internal working models or core beliefs are at the root of your unhealthy relationships, low self-esteem, or negative self-talk.

Attachment & Childhood Trauma

It’s no secret childhood trauma can impact adulthood. But how? Studies show that having an unhealthy attachment to a caregiver during childhood while also experiencing traumas can certainly dictate how you form relationships in adulthood. A person who grew up with a chaotic upbringing may gravitate towards a chaotic romantic relationship or a partner with a similar childhood as their own. Attachment styles aside from secure can cause maladaptive behaviors throughout the lifespan, such as avoidance and withdrawal. It also increases the risk of mental and physical illnesses throughout adulthood.

It’s also important to recognize that the traumas might not even be from your own experiences. Parents who experience their own childhood trauma can often pass their symptoms onto their children unknowingly. A parent may react to triggers from their own unresolved trauma. Their child may witness their parent’s behaviors and reactions to the trauma, as a result, causing the child to be fearful of the parents’ trigger as well as the parent. This is also known as intergenerational trauma.

Effective Interventions

Okay, great. I have an unhealthy attachment with my caregiver and I have negative core beliefs. NOW WHAT?!

Come to therapy! Through awareness, cognitive restructuring, trauma healing, and mindfulness, you can begin to shift your mindset to a more healthy way of thinking. You can manage your core beliefs by challenging them. You can improve your self-esteem and confidence to feel worthy of love and respect. These changes will reflect in how you treat others, treat yourself, and how you expect others to treat you.

There are three main interventions I use in my practice to address unhealthy attachment styles. They are: Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR); Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT); and Mindfulness meditation.

Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR)

  • Intervention used to heal from past traumas and other negative associations.
  • Check out What is EMDR? to learn more about this type of intervention.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

  • Changes our perceptions including our thoughts, behaviors, and emotions.
    • “What we think affects how we feel and act; what we do affects how we think and feel; and what we feel affects how we think and act.”

Mindfulness Meditation

There is hope for you to interrupt this unhealthy cycle! Do not let your negative childhood experiences hold you back any longer. Through hardwork and therapy, you can change the way you view yourself and the world around you. Let’s start today.

Make An Appointment

Attachment Theory. (n.d.) In Random House Unabridged Dictionary. Retrieved   from https://www.dictionary.com/browse/attachment-theory

Benoit D. (2004). Infant-parent attachment: Definition, types, antecedents,   measurement and   outcome. Paediatrics & child health, 9(8), 541–545.   doi:10.1093/pch/9.8.541

Bowlby, J. (1980). Loss: Sadness & depression. Attachment and loss (vol. 3); (International   psycho-analytical library no.109). London: Hogarth Press.

Bretherton, I. (1992). The origins of attachment theory: John Bowlby and Mary   Ainsworth. Developmental   Psychology, 28(5), 759–775. https://doi-  org.proxy.lib.wayne.edu/10.1037/0012-1649.28.5.759

Howe T.R. (2011) Disorganized/Disoriented Attachment. In: Goldstein S., Naglieri J.A. (eds)   Encyclopedia of  Child Behavior and Development. Springer, Boston, MA

McLeod, S. A. (2018, Aug 05). Mary Ainsworth. Retrieved fromhttps://www.simplypsychology.org/mary-ainsworth.html

Michael Meehan, Bronwyn Massavelli & Nancy Pachana (2017) Using Attachment Theory and Social   Support Theory to Examine and Measure Pets as Sources of Social Support and Attachment   Figures,Anthrozoös, 30:2, 273-289, DOI: 10.1080/08927936.2017.1311050

Rincón-Cortés, M., & Sullivan, R. M. (2014). Early life trauma and attachment: Immediate and   enduring effects on neurobehavioral and stress axis development. Frontiers in   Endocrinology, 5, 33. doi:10.3389/fendo.2014.00033